I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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