i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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