I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
