dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
my liver is dry heaving
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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