Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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