dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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