He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
