Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
