Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
