So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
