my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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