the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
