Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
