On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
