Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
