I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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