i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
