The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
