can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
