you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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