u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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