It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
