DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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