TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
