Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
