...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
