I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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