I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
