So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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