So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
