It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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