I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
