tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
