My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
