get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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