I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
