I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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