walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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