update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
