I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
