____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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