I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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