im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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