anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
