I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
