Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
