Don't make out with my wife yet
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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