I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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