ugly people sure do ruin things
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
