can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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